CHUCK NORRIS
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He
also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and
buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris
instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly
thereafter he grew a beard.
4. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
5. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop
the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets
with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer
amazement.
6. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a
woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then
shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and
ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his
hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months
later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard
that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
7. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged
good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
8. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise,"
and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth
from drug-dealing Deceptagons and could turn into a pick-up. This
was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was
divided.
9. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the
gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other
Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their
combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly
after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
10. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No fat Chicks.
11. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving,
Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his
backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it
whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully
cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he
had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said,
"Never question Chuck Norris."
12. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by
yelling, "Bang!"
13. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
14. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her
and saying "booya".
15. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to
roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs
and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
16. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is
injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer.
This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an
attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
17. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take
yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already
lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
18. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and
I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they
are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse
kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets
ill.
19. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
20. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see
Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
:s Dont worry bout it...
Posted by: batman on December 12, 2005 10:47 AMWhat does that mean!?
Posted by: Killerov on December 12, 2005 02:19 AMChuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids!...ha!ha!how do you like them apples Killer-told ya it had nuthin to do w\me being younger than the majority of ppl commenting on scattys circle of friends cowbell posts!xoxo muah ;)
Posted by: batman on December 11, 2005 10:43 PMsausage.... ditka
Did.........Ka, Did.........Ka, Pork.......chops,
Did.........Ka, Did.........Ka
DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA........bears, da bears, da bears, da bears!
Posted by: chilli on December 3, 2005 09:41 AMI think it would be ...Da Bulls..........
Posted by: the-bri-man on December 2, 2005 05:32 PMbearsssss by 172 points, bob. bears 175 - norris 3.
Posted by: scotty on December 2, 2005 03:11 PMIt has nothing to do w\me being a 'youngin' papa killer...I just got nuthin!!
Posted by: batman on December 2, 2005 11:57 AMDats right Chili...even if dey were blindfolded and Ditka had a broken leg! DAAAAAA BEARS!
Posted by: Killerov on December 2, 2005 10:47 AMDa Bears!
Posted by: chilli on December 2, 2005 10:14 AMyoungins have nuthin to do with it Killer!
Posted by: Rosa on December 2, 2005 09:14 AMAhhh, another tell tale sign you're getting older...the youngins have no clue wtf you're talking about!
Posted by: Killerov on December 2, 2005 08:58 AMHmm..what?
Posted by: batman on December 2, 2005 03:14 AMThe Bears w/Ditka coaching vs Chuck Norris...who'd win?
Posted by: Killerov on December 2, 2005 03:05 AMOriginally spoken; "In the name of the Father, the Son, and Chuck Norris." Chuck Norris was substitued by the "Holy Spirit" to disguise the immortal fact that Chuck still walks this Earth!
Posted by: Rosa on December 1, 2005 08:17 PMsweet - additions!
Posted by: scotty on December 1, 2005 06:41 PM21. If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
22. There are in fact 31 letters of the English alphabet however only Chuck Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.
23. Occasionally Chuck Norris will call up the power rangers just to say hi.
24. If superman and the flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win: Chuck Norris.
25. One time while sparring with wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
26. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the blue ringed octopus of eastern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
27. Chuck Norris is known for his modesty but readily admits that he is the 8th wonder of the natural world.
28. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears
29. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
30. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Posted by: meg on December 1, 2005 02:43 PM